How to deal with a narcissist

Do you have a narcissist in your life? Someone whose selfishness and behaviour have puzzled you until the penny dropped that you were not dealing with a like minded person? You’d probably tried to reason with them. Probably felt sorry for them when they went into the victim position. Maybe you were attracted to their performative side and dazzled by their energy and stories?

If you are lucky, this person may be a colleague or friend that you can walk away from. If you are not, then this person is a close family member or your spouse and you are at your wit’s end.

I would like to tell you that there are lots of techniques to deal with a narcissist but unfortunately this is not the case. That said, there are a few things you can try and some things to avoid.

Narcissist traits are on a spectrum which we are all on. There are times in our lives when we are more ego centric and selfish than at other times, such as in adolescence. On the more extreme end of the spectrum are those with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I was asked the other day by a client what the difference was between someone who is a narcissist and someone with NPD? I stumbled about for a bit before replying that I thought NPD is a mental heath disorder and the other is a set of defensive behaviours.

Research tells us that narcissists often have horrendous childhoods (Zeigler-Hill et al, 2024). Their whole personality therefore is a defence against feeling vulnerable. They never want to feel shame or helplessness again and will do anything not to feel small again. This is key to understanding what you are up against when dealing with a narcissist. There is a pathological need to deflect and protect the self and control the narrative at all costs, even by lying. Do not try to shame the narcissist in an argument – it won’t end well and you will be on the receiving end of their narcissistic rage. Find out about non violent direct communication to remain assertive but boundaried with the narcissist (Sofer, 2018 ).

It is confusing and frustrating trying to hold a narcissist to account. They are very skilled in turning an argument round and they will go into the victim position or into a narcissistic rage if they feel unsafe and uncovered. You see, losing control to a narcissist feels like annihilation for them. There is a potential for violent behaviour at this point especially if they are using substances. They can get very angry very quickly.

This is often enough for the challenger to back down and so the narcissist learns that they can control using certain defensive strategies.

Transactional Analysis (TA) therapist Lesley Van den Eijnden (2025) says that the narcissist child ego state is hijacking the internal adult and parent ego states. (In TA this is called contamination.) It is the Child part then that has taken over and is acting out. It certainly feels like this when dealing with this difficult behaviour.

The narcissist has often stopped feeling and may be using alcohol or substances to keep any break through vulnerable feelings at bay. They mainly feel empty or angry. They desperately need attention to confirm they exist and if they aren’t talking or being the centre of attention in a group then they feel invisible.

If you have spent time with a narcissist, you might notice that they have a need to put others down to feel better about themselves. This is due to their poor self-image and a very fragile sense of self. They project their negativity outwards because inside there is a darkness, a cess pit of unprocessed sewage that they cannot tolerate. A deep sense of inadequacy. In fact, they usually hate themselves but don’t actually know this. If they did, then they could do something about it. Unfortunately, they are unable to integrate their shadow parts.

So, how does knowing that your narcissist’s whole personality is a defence help? It may help you to learn the concept of ‘detaching with love’ and hold compassion for them as well as your boundaries. It is unlikely that they will go for therapy unless they are on the less severe end of the spectrum.

Dr Ramani (2024) advises against pointing out to the person that they are a narcissist. This will add fuel to their resentment and anger and they cannot tolerate what they see as an attack on them. Remember that you are not dealing with someone who wants to reflect on themselves and become self-aware. You are dealing with someone who is terrified of having their shortcomings exposed.

Dr Ramani advises us not to go Deep when dealing with a narcissist.

Do not:

Defend

Explain

Engage

Personalise their behaviour

You are wasting your breath explaining or defending your view. They are not listening. This is really important and worth saying twice. They have stopped listening! Try not to engage too much as the more information they have the more they can antagonise you. They may also use information to tell others to try and get them to turn against you too. They want an argument, so if you don’t engage you stop playing their game.

This technique is called ‘Grey rocking’ in that the narcissist gets as much out of you as a grey rock. This is easy to do with someone you don’t know so well but harder to do with a close family member or spouse. Be selective about what you disclose to them. They are not interested in how you feel anyway so best to keep on a shallow level with them.

Keep it short i.e. “We’ll have to agree to disagree.” Or, “I’m sorry that you see it that way / feel like that.” Don’t get drawn into a circular argument.

A person with severe narcissistic traits will kick against any boundaries that you put in so be prepared for them pushing back. If they revert to victim mode or anger, keep calm and reflect what you are noticing to them. For example, “I notice that you have responded angrily to this, but I will only be visiting fortnightly to help you.” Don’t go into explaining why. Remember you are dealing with their angry child ego state. Losing your temper doesn’t work and ultimately makes you feel worse.

People outside the immediate family and perhaps the narcissist’s co-dependent partner may all side with the narcissist. After all, to those outside the family they have presented their best shiny self. The narcissist is all about keeping up appearances and getting external validation. The message that has been passed to you from the narcissist however, is: Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust and Don’t feel. Talking to others outside the family about what is going on is forbidden. Let’s all pretend that everything is fine so that the narcissist is protected. (ACA UK).

This makes it lonely living with a narcissist or choosing to stay in a relationship with one. Van Den Eijnden says to try to be kind and compassionate to yourself about this. She says “You were the solution but they just couldn’t do anything with it.” It is helpful to get therapy and / or peer support if this is what you are going through. The antagonism, the gas lighting, the abuse and the hurt can lead to low self-worth and depression.

There is also ambiguous loss here. (Ambiguous loss is that which is not immediately recognised by others.) The loss of a nurturing relationship that sadly you never had with the narcissist. Also, if the narcissist is your parent they may have dismantled the autonomy of your other parent. This probably led to the co-dependent parent choosing the path of least resistance rather than fighting for an authentic relationship with you and your siblings. They were in effect neutralised by the dominant narcissist. So, you have been abandoned by both parents and this is a hugely sad (Pruter videos 2026). In fact, everyone around the narcissist abandons themselves to accommodate and protect the narcissist. It’s just easier.

My mother is a narcissist and an alcoholic and she is coercive and controlling of my father. He is not just hen pecked and it isn’t just that she “wears the trousers”. He is controlled and it happened so slowly that he is not fully aware of this and neither were we for many years. He provides the narcissistic supply that she desperately needs. (Narcissist supply is the praise and validation that a narcissist needs from another.) They need someone to play the game at any cost. If the narcissistic parent dies or leaves, then the children are often expected to give the narcissist the supply. This might be when narcissistic behaviour is actually identified in the family.

I get support through a 12 step programme called Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional families. Many of those who attend have experienced narcissistic abuse. We talk about the problem in meetings and how our certain personal traits have developed from insecure attachments. We also talk about the solution which is to reparent ourselves in the here and now. I invite you not to discount peer support until you find your tribe, your fellow travellers through this terrain.

Most days I can hold compassion for my mother and her terrible childhood. I understand that family dysfunction is handed down. And at the same time, I can hold how this has affected me.

I hope that something in this has resonated for you and that something may have been helpful. Awareness is everything. There are lots of online support groups and books on this subject and I would urge you to look after yourself and find the nurturance you need through other relationships, the help of a therapist, your own healthy adult / loving parent and others who are going through this. We can only work on ourselves if we are staying in relationship with a narcissist. They are unable to change.

References

ACA UK https://www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk

Pruter, D. Videos [https://www.facebook.com/dorcypruter]. (2026, June 18). Everybody talks about the narcissistic mother. Almost nobody talks about what she did to your father (Video). Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/share/r/18anDyThQw/

Ramani, D (2024). It's Not You: The Bestselling Guide on How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People. Random House

Sofer, O. (2018). Say what you mean : a mindful approach to nonviolent communication. Shambhala Publications, Inc.

Van Den Eijnden, L (2025) Drama of a Trauma Bond: Unhealthy Symbiosis and partner choices. Online Events (workshop).